Ah, old man winter has arrived

Yes, we have dodged the raindrops for too long here in California. We have a drought, we need rain. Well, finally we are getting it. It's coming down. I definitely feel a love-hate relationship with rain. There are times when it is so relaxing and comforting. And by the blazing woodstove, it so deliciously slows down the race to nowhere I often find myself caught up in. Sit by the fire and listen to the rain. Simple.

I also am happy to see the plants and animals getting the water they need to flourish, even the skunks, coyotes and mountain lions seen in these parts. If you listen closely you can hear and feel the relief as the ground becomes saturated and see the wilted leaves filling with water and imagine the wild animals drinking their fill at the river.

The hate part is just a natural concern about the power going out just when Downton is about to start, or that a tree will decide to fall over at any time, in any direction, and fall where it may. Being surrounded by giants (of the sequoia type) informs that concern. I've seen my neighbor's house cut in half by a madrone and really don't want to experience that. But it's not in my hands.

So winter is here. And February...which is my tough month. I lost two of the most loved people in my life in this month, and it is too populated with ghosts for me; my mother and the love of my life, Ken Baker.

Although these sad events happened many years ago, they still are with me.

My mother was such a loving and caring person. She still is my example of how to love unconditionally for me. Although only 5 foot tall, she could be a mother bear when it came to her brood. And her intellect was never fully acknowledged, although I recognized it. She worked as a licensed vocational nurse for many years and got her RN degree at 50 while raising 6 children and working full time. She came from a childhood of poverty and struggle. One of two kids with an absent father whom she adored, and a tough mother who had to support her children in an era when women couldn't expect decent wages for their work. Grandma had a hard exterior and my mother struggled with self-esteem her entire life, possibly as a result of that harshness. Still she retained her compassion for others.

I helped her in her final years, trying with all my might to undo the effects of years of diabetes and heart disease. And I cherish that time with her. I got to know her and understand her, help her in some way, and love her even more deeply. And when that day came that the doctors couldn't renew her health, when the damage was too severe, it came as a shock and a deep pain. She was much too young and it hurt to see her go. This many years later, I still wish I could talk to her and share my troubles and triumphs. Just go to the drugstore and buy tissues and hangers and spend the day watching baseball. She was a real sports fan of the highest order. I miss her.

Today is the 15th anniversary of Ken's death. Or at least of the day that I learned he had died. And my love for him has not faded, although life has continued to go forward. I think of him almost every day. He was another example of a person who cared and loved unconditionally. He didn't judge people, he found humor in the human condition and enjoyed life as it came. I learned so much from him. An accomplished musician, he found his passion playing blues saxophone as a member of John Lee Hooker's house band for many years. I haven't been able to listen to his music until very lately out of sadness, and found a video of his performance today that reminded me of the times we shared, although it also broke my heart all over again. This was a tour that I remember well, as he came home to me after weeks in Europe, and was ill when he returned. He brought me a t-shirt from the festival, that has fallen apart but I still keep it. He was ill and struggled to get healthy after that but only had 7 years left in his brief life. But in spite of my own emotions, he was another loving person who was not recognized for his intellect and gifts, and I feel fortunate to have known him and loved him and shared a special trust with a sensitive, gifted artist and human being. I miss him to this day. Here's a link to the video. http://youtu.be/RtTLsqxRKAE

In the video, you will also see Vala Cupp. A good friend who I got to know over many years. A sweet woman with a beautiful voice and a loving spirit. who is also no longer with us. A great loss as well.

So that is my day. A feeling of loss for the people I loved who are gone now, and a feeling of gratefulness, for having known and touched these exceptional people. And so February goes. Spring can really hang you up the most.